Fit for purpose

I have started a new job almost 2 month ago ant it has been great.

However this time I am more aware than ever than the novelty will wear off soon and the last thing I want is to wake up one morning realizing it actually sucks and dreading to go to the office.

So in a proactive way I have been trying to keep in mind the big picture aka it’s not so much about the job (the tasks) itself but how it helps me develop myself personally and professionally. I am also trying to get input from people about situation where I am uncertain of what I should be doing. And doing so trying to avoid the trap: ‘Well, I will just do what I am told and not think about it’.

One of these mentors pointed out a very important aspect of my job and I think of everybody’s job:

No matter what you have been asked to do and the output you got related to it: before asking yourself if it’s good, first ask if this is fit for purpose.

Well in my head it just made ¨dinga dinga ding!¨.

You see am not often satisfied with my outputs. While producing it, I usually rationalize that it’s because of time pressure. Afterwards, I am still unsatisfied and promised myself that next time I will  do better OR worse I just self-depreciate myself (I suck and I hope nobody will notice it). But truth is my output ALWAYS is fit to purpose. I just happen to have very high standard…

‘Dinga dinga ding’

You know all this times, where I find that other people’s output is ‘a joke’. Like it’s of so bad quality and they get away with it… And more, they actually are confident about their performance (and I’m not talking about fake confidence although that certainly gets onto the mix): maybe they just have figured it out. They know what is expected from them. And this is to produce fit to purpose contents. Sure once in a while they will produce better material and that will be their time to shine. But the rest of the time they just cut themselves a break. Hell, they might even decide NOT to go the extra mile once they reach the level of quality they wish for.

This, my friends, has been liberating to me.

It’s actually not what my mentor said but that the conclusion I have drowned from it and this is so valuable.

In any case if you have had similar insights, please share them in the comments. I would love to hear from you and get all ‘dinga dinga ding’ again!

I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY

…

Corollary

you?

photo by Carbon NYC

DATING OR HUNTING

photo by Dell’s Official Flickr

I might just have had a haha moment.

I have been thinking for a few weeks now, how I am single for the first time in 8 years and that I will need to start dating again.

Well this is daunting…

But tonight it hit me that dating has a lot of similarities with some very particular aspects of job hunting on which I am an expert:

• Networking– I made a quick mental check in my head and it turns out I will most probably need to meet new people to have a chance to find a date-able candidate. Luckily through professional networking I am very at ease at starting small talks with strangers.
• Stating my interest– I could have said ‘send your application’ which is the medium you use while job hunting. In this case, if the other one doesn’t make the first move, I am totally ready to do so by sending him an email/sms.
• Asking for a meeting– Or a drink on a terrasse of a lovely café with sunset.
• Put most fitted clothes– Clothes that would make the best first impression so that I’d be wanted…. hard….
• Attend meeting– go on a date – and not say stupid things when asked stuff.
• Accept rejection– I am actually thinking of putting this one up in the list. I think it is a very good acquired skill to realize that if the other isn’t interested in you, you aren’t the problem and shouldn’t take it personally even when you have said stupid stuff that made you looked ridiculous. And also always remember that it is their losses not mine…

Corollary:

I am so witty, I should probably add this to my DArING  RESUME!

TIME

Time is a created thing.
To say, “I don’t have time”, is like saying,
“I don’t want to.”

—Lao Tzu

COMPLAINING

Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier. ~Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

You are going through a rough path. Or your boss gave you a hard time.

So OF COURSE you are going to talk about it! You probably won’t sugar it either. After all you are just reporting the facts on what happened to you and the way your reacted to it.

And also that’s what friends are here for? Right? To listen to your problem. Empathize. Support and sometimes help you.

BEWARE OF THE COMPLAINING  TRAP.

Here is some of the principles I try to follow when it comes to complaining:

•  It’s ok to complain about something if you are also taking action to make the situation better or get out of it.
  It’s much easier to complain and have other feeling sorry for you, than taking responsibility for your situation and take action to change it. 
  One easy example concern the dissatisfaction a lot of people feel about their job. Some can spend hours telling you how crappy their work is but how many are actually looking for new opportunities? How many people do you know, who aren’t only complaining about a difficult boss but also trying to come up with strategy to enable a better communication, etc.?

• It’s ok to talk about shit happening if you don’t forget to mention the good part, too.
  It’s easy to see things all in black but truth is that most of the time there are positive points in the situation you are in, too. For instance, to take again an example in the professional sphere, it would be very easy to just complain about my own current situation. Last time I worked was  seven months ago and it wasn’t in my field. As a result, I am very close to be completely broke as I live on my savings which weren’t much to start with. So this is the horror story.
  Following my own principle, given that I am looking for a job actively, I also can talk about it. And/But when I do, I shouldn’t forget to mention the good points. These past months I also had more time to reflect on what I really want. I started going to the gym again and could work on my personal projects (like this blog).
  Of course one can argue that I could have done it with a job just the same. But the truth is that the extra time really made a difference. The very fact that I got bored, made a difference.

• Don’t hide complains behind jokes.
  Sometimes the most terrible situations make the best joke. And I am a total supporter of humor to lighten a dramatic situation. You just need to be aware of your inner motive while doing so.
  At the moment I have to confess I use jokes to steam down my frustration living with a new flatmate. I moved with him a few month ago and we have had some “bumps on the road”. At first I mentioned them to my friends but they themselves reflected back to me how negative I sounded and that I just needed to give it a bit more of time.
  Did I stop complaining about my lousy flatmate? Well, not exactly. I have just switch from direct criticism to light jokes about his quirkiness… THIS IS NOT COOL. And I am trying to keep it as low level as possible.

• Discuss first about a happy topic with your friends and/or start the conversation focusing on them.
  Unless I am very upset, I always try to put my need to complain in second plan when meeting with my friends. Using this strategy, I give my friends some space to voice their own concern or simply share their life with me. I also avoid becoming  a toxic friend to them. And finally, I have notices that once the first urge is gone, talking about a happy topic lift my mood and is actually more beneficial to my well-being than always focusing on my problems.

• Talking about an issue isn’t always the best way to feel better.
  I guess it’s not always easy to know when complaining helps you to get your frustration off your chest and when it just gets you stuck and feeling miserable about yourself. The key word is awareness. If you really listen to your inner voice you will know when the complains become unhealthy.

Corollary:

To be honest I am far from good in following these principles and I slip many times. But I think I have developed quite a high awareness about it and this also led me to acknowledge the positive attitude in other or as the quote says so beautifully, to not forget:

“It is easy to be heavy; hard to be light.” – G.K. Chesterton

If you have ever tried to stop complaining or at least to reduce it, you know how hard that can be!

So if you are lucky enough to have people around you, who – no matter what – know how to look at the bright side of life and with whom you feel happy, appreciate it fully.

And don’t be shy: tell them how awesome their attitude is and what for a positive impact they have on you.

One of my dear friends showed the biggest strength while going through her divorce. I never heard any complains from her and through her positive attitude she managed to adjust to her new situation incredibly quickly. She just started a new job at 43. As she met new colleagues, including women who went through a divorce themselves, she was stuck  by their bitterness but also hurt when they reflected back to her:

If only that was as easy for me as for you!

Let me repeat to you:

Not complaining and not feeling sorry for yourself isn’t easy. It’s the hardest thing.

So when you meet someone like my friend, don’t use them to complain even more. Don’t try to spoil their own happiness because you feel yourself insecure or envious of them.

On the contrary: acknowledge their strength and try to follow them on the path of action and recovery.

What about you?

Do you feel that you often fall in the complaining trap?

To which point do you think it is healthy to complain?

And what is in your opinion the difference between complaining and expressing your true feelings (by opposition to repressing them as this also is not something I would ever recommend to do)?

Or maybe you want to use this comment space to write a tribute about some of your friends with an extraordinary attitude or strength!

Just, please, don’t be shy!

Photo by Raymond Brown

Related articles

• Snap Out of Complaining (jacquelinewolven.com)

LOVE RAMBLING

A very short list of some of the things in my life IN ORDER OF IMPORTANCE:

• Love
• Happiness
• Friendship
• …
• …
• …
• …
• Career/job/work

Corollary:

• So many people put so much importance into their job.
  Or worse: their job title! 
  But without love, this is nothing.
• Love brings happiness. If not, this is not Love, I think.
  I am not saying that when you have love in your life, you see the whole world pink all the time. But its foundation should be based on positive, beautiful feeling.
• And/but happiness can be felt  without love.

Voilà!

It just needed to be said!

EMOTIONS

‘Emotions, in my experience, aren’t covered by single words. I don’t believe in “sadness,” “joy,” or “regret.” Maybe the best proof that the language is patriarchal is that it oversimplifies feeling. I’d like to have at my disposal complicated hybrid emotions, Germanic train-car constructions like, say, “the happiness that attends disaster.” Or: “the disappointment of sleeping with one’s fantasy.” I’d like to show how “intimations of mortality brought on by aging family members” connects with “the hatred of mirrors that begins in middle age.” I’d like to have a word for “the sadness inspired by failing restaurants” as well as for “the excitement of getting a room with a minibar.” I’ve never had the right words to describe my life, and now that I’ve entered my story, I need them more than ever.’ ―Jeffrey Eugenides

WRITING

There are so many subjects I would like to write about.

I have wild ideas all the time. When one idea is promising I even draft a first essay in my head.

The non-writing part is so easy!

The writing is the hard part of course.

So over the past months I have read quite a few tutorials and books on the subject.

I find it fascinating! The writing world can be so rich. I am also a passionate reader and I appreciate to get an insight of the mechanism at play behind my favorite blogs or books.

Did the reading about writing actually help me to write better?

Well, no… At least not directly.

I would say it has raised my awareness on how I want to write and what works for me and doesn’t when writing blog posts (for example):

• Write like you talk.This is much easier to say than to apply. Additionally, I’d like to add: but only if you know how to talk… As a parallel goal to improving my writing,  I also wish to become a better speaker and would like to join a toastmaster club soon.  
• Get to the point immediately. For me it is a struggle because this is not how I communicate orally. Especially on complex issues or stories, I don’t like to be too direct. I’d rather approach the subject laterally and give people ‘impression’ rather than direct opinion on what’s right or wrong. I also won’t ever just tell someone:

‘I almost had a one-night stand last night but at the last minutes the guy refused to use a condom’.

To be honest I am not sure the way I posted about it was optimal (it was fun to write though!). When and if I tell this story to my friends, I unfold it slowly, building up the suspense with spicy details, going sometimes off track, referring to previous experiences in order to show how this one experience was unique, and what was my state of mind.

• Stay focus and on topic. I guess this goes together with the previous point. However I find it much easier to follow. I f I see myself referring to another topic, I will just start a new draft where I will jolt down all what came into my mind. And move on.
• Share a personal story. But why would you care about my own experience? It’s nothing special, I can assure you. Besides I don’t want to be vulnerable or worse seem pretentious…

• The single function of the headline is to get people to read the first sentence. I found astonishing how hard it is to find an fitted headline to a blog post. I also understand that when you write you should keep the reader in mind. And what you’d like the reader to do is to spend some of his precious time on your writing: it all start with the headline! But also:

• The purpose of the first sentence is to get you to read the second sentence. Nothing more, nothing less.

Each sentence is so short and easy to read that your reader starts to read your copy almost as if being sucked into it. Think about the analogy of a locomotive. When the locomotive starts to chug from a standing start, it really works hard. The amount of commitment and energy that the train must exert is monumental. But once the train starts to move, the next few feet become easier and the next few even easier. ~ Joe Sugerman

I just love this insight. I think it is also a good tactic when writing. That is, when I start a blog post, I try to start with a few short sentences – isolated and if possible ON TOPIC!
• Use a balance of ‘I’ and ‘you’. Simple to implement and very pertinent I think, even though I haven’t started doing that consciously yet.  It is particularly true for personal development blogs or expert (?) blogs on finance or writing for example.
• List posts are one of the best format to get viral. In particular, bullet points can be very useful in any blog posts to make the reader stop if he’s skimming and get him to focus on a bite-sized, result-driven component of your content. Readers also like to receive short and clear instruction on a topic rather than a lengthy dissertation. Using bullet points can serve just this purpose.
• At the end of your post,  make the reader take action. One of the advantages of the blogging format is that you can engage with your audience. I hadn’t paid attention to it at first but most blog posts finish with a call to action. Even one as simple as ‘Please leave a comment’. You might think to leave it out but apparently we, humans, like to receive clear instruction with regard to what is expected of us.
• Editing is a big part of writing. Depending on the day I found this exciting or boring. It’s exciting because it feels like you are sculpting your thoughts. You strip them from the superficiality and dress them with profound insight you didn’t even know you had when first starting to write. It’s also boring because sometimes when you have a text out of your system you just wish to move out to the next promising topic.

I could go on with this list for another 500+ words, I think, as the skeleton of writing is one with many bones (also one good advice is to avoid cheesy clichés…) . But I can’t help wondering:

So is it really the right formula to be truly memorable?

Once you know what you are looking for, you find this writing frame everywhere.

It has become so standard, I, for example read the first paragraph to get a good feel on what the blog post is about. I then skip to the bullet points. If I have time, I will read what’s after the parts in bold, knowing it will most probably be one example taken from the writer’s own experience. Otherwise I will just skim through it.

So at the end, there is very little chance I will remember this particular post as it is so similar to thousands of others!

This has become a central question throughout my own writing as I am still looking for my true voice.

I will most probably revisit the subject in a few month to see where I stand with regard to the above points and how I try to achieve writing EPIC SHIT.

Corollary:

It took me three days to write this post.

It made me feel good very good to finally put down my thought on writing. It was like the words had to get out.

However I am conscious that the rendition is not that great.

• There are a lot of repetitions (same words, unnecessary clarification, etc.).
•  The topic isn’t focused enough.
• The list could be 10 times reworked and reworded.
• I really wanted to touch the subject on being memorable but I am not sure I tackled it the right way? Maybe I should just have written another post about it?
• Also I think it is quite clumsy to try to engage my audience like I did… (See below)

Well at the end of the day (at the end of this day!) my goal isn’t to write EPIC SHIT but just to write. Not to optimize all of the contents but to produce as much as possible.

This I did. EPICALLY WELL.

What about you?

What are the tips on writing you found most insightful? What is a good strategy for a blog post to be memorable?

Please let me know your thoughts in the comments!

TOXIC FRIENDS

Friendship is on top of my list of important things in life.

For the past 10 years I have moved around quite a lot. It forced me to make new friends but also it taught me how important it is to nurture the relationship with my current one. Friendship, as anything precious in life, isn’t granted.

What I am still learning is to be more selective in my choice of friends.

I tend to only see the positive in people and, even when I see the negative parts, I mostly find reasons to explain it and excuse it (for example if someone tend to be rude and I know he has problems in his family).

I also tend to attract what I call now toxic friends.

What is a toxic friend?

• A toxic friend is at first super friendly and open
• A toxic friend will very soon tell you about the struggle he is going through
• A toxic friend will at first listen to your own story and empathy, linking his own history to yours
• A toxic friend will use you as a support to go through the difficult phases in his life
• You won’t know when exactly it started, but a toxic friend will take most of your time and energy
• He will suck your energy using it as a fuel in his own life
• When you start to feel that this is going too far, the toxic friend won’t hesitate to manipulate you, to ensure he has your attention.
• One trick for a toxic friend to get hold on you is to create the same unhappiness in your own life
• A toxic friend will sabotage your own confidence, trash-talk the people you care most about or he’ll constantly call you with his latest drama when he knows you are having a good time (thus making sure you won’t).
• When and if you confront him and want to talk about the un-balanced relationship you have with him, the toxic friend will always find a way to put the fault back at you.

Such a relationship will always end. Painfully.

So nowadays I try to avoid such people.

What are some of the early signs?

• Someone who looks bitter or make a lot of negative comments 
• Someone who try too hard to be friendly and happy
• Someone who at first doesn’t show any vulnerability
• Any sign that the new relationship isn’t balance. It could be that she is always the one who wants to meet or that the conversation   is only about one of us
• If after meeting this person I end up feeling worse instead of better

Do I walk away?

I am still not good to walk away when I meet this kind of people.

My natural instinct is actually to try to help this person.

To empathize with her and show her that all isn’t that bad after all. That I know what he is going through and that if he needs someone to talk to I am here.

I also tend to take responsibility for the unbalanced relationships.

It goes to the basic thought:

‘I am the one who created this situation. It has to. As it’s not the first time it happens and the only common denominator is me’.

To a bit more subtle one:

‘ I created this situation.  I always think that others are more important than me. Their issues are more important, etc.  She was a normal friend and I did withdraw myself from the conversation and made her confide and need me. Now she trusts me and I am about to hurt her and betray this trust by pushing back’.

Like I said, toxic relationships don’t end well…

I don’t think I have any such friends around me at the moment. But next time I will meet one… Well, maybe the very fact that I wrote this down will help me recognize the signs earlier.

And not  engage.

Corollary:

23 Signs You’ve Got A Toxic Friend.

(Listening to:  Birdy)

SO WHAT IS IT? Positivity? Insensitivity?

not me

I went through a lot recently. A lot of changes in my life. Roller coaster feelings.

I am ok, though. Or else I will be. Thanks for asking.

See what just happened?

• In my very core is a strong belief that things will turn out ok. That I will face whatever needs to be faced and get out of it bigger, stronger. I don’t think I deny the problems I am facing. I am certainly not avoiding the pain that goes along with it.
• Also from the outside, I make it sounds like I am untouched. Strong.  

And what are the core mechanisms at play?

• Compartmentalizing: I think I am pretty good at separating different aspects of my life. Problems at work won’t affect too much my relationship. Or the stress of moving to another country won’t prevent me to be social and meet new people. It helps me a lot as I can still enjoy things happening in my professional life even if some crap is going in my personal one. And vice versa. Or it helps even more when all goes to hell in different parts of my life. These are separated small to mid-size fires. No inferno. 

• Positive mindset: According to Strength Finder, one of my five top themes is Positivity:

People who are especially talented in the Positivity theme have an enthusiasm that is contagious. They are upbeat and can get others excited about what they are going to do.

• High extraversion, low neuroticism: or at least that how I scored on two of the five broad personality domains of the Five-Factor Model. The way I understand it, high extraversion means a great responsiveness to positive emotions. Low neuroticism is a lesser tendency to experience negative feelings. So I guess there is that, too. I guess I am less affected by unpleasant events than other. But like every one I have my limits. Which leads me to:

• Psychological resilience: This is an interesting one because I have plenty of example of resilience ‘to cope against adversity’ but almost none about coping against stress (which according to wiki goes together as far as psychological resilience goes).

• Insensitivity: With everything being relative, I surely know they are people more sensitive than me. But I also think that I am  a very sensitive person.  I react strongly to events happening not only to myself but also to others. You might say this contradict at least partly my claim of having low neuroticism. I mean to say that I feel the pain. I feel the sadness. I feel the anguish. And the not-knowing feeling. BUT/AND I admit it takes more of it than for other people before I collapse. I did collapse last year and this year. It was pretty bad. I think other would have collapse before me. Does that mean that I am insensitive? I don’t think so.

Corollary:

I read this article. It is more about how to heal the pain then on how the pain express itself or not in one’s person. But still very relevant. I hope you take something from it.